teaching dream, one of a thousand #39

It was the first day, I didn’t have a plan, I didn’t have texts, and I was being observed. I was getting to know individual students. I liked them--they were a loud bunch, older than usual, less advantaged.

I woke up planning classes and refining my pedagogy, realized it was just a dream and I’m not a teacher anymore, fell half-asleep again and kept going with class plans and a revision of the entire arc of my composition classes. I think I would be a better teacher now, but I don’t feel like jumping back into that murky water.

love dream #39

The three of us were sitting close on a lawn. I held your hand and rubbed your fingers on my face. I kissed your fingers--my heart was filled with love.

You and Erik were having a conversation about why we hadn’t heard from you, and you were telling him that we weren’t allowed to call you unless we were homeless or needed help. My body tensed, and I dropped your hand. “Are you serious?” I asked. You said yes--angry--then got up and left.

I went somewhere to look at jewelry. I was talking with a Pakistani woman. We were making fun of swami even though she was Muslim. There were onyx eggs and beautiful pastel stone eggs arranged in designs with silver.

Later, I wanted to leave and looked for my shoes. They were farther down the hall than I thought they would be. I found paper in one of them. You had written me two letters in brilliant blue ink. I read only the post scripts, which were very emotional and clear. You weren’t saying what I wanted you to say, but I felt so relieved that we were talking about it at all.

I woke up from this dream. In the morning I cried because it wasn’t true. It’s been so long since I’ve heard from you that my friends are telling me to move on. I tell them I haven’t loved someone the way I love you in a long time. I agree that there are other smart people in the world, but none of them are you.

chess #39

Chess is as elaborate a waste of human intelligence as you can find outside an advertising agency.
--Raymond Chandler